Talk to Me
by Kali1
Summary: Lina and co. get asked to appear on a talk show. Things get a little crazy when Lina gains another suitor, Dark Schneider?


_** Talk to Me**_

_**By Kali**_

Opening Theme: **Talk To Me**

Performed by Wild Orchid, and written by Armato and Vasquez

Welcome! And now for another wonderful episode of "Talk to Me". The only talk show in the world that runs a good four hours, minimum. Today's episode focuses on some very complicated relationships. Ones that we feel need a bit of resolution for the parties involved. Whether they realize it or not, is besides the point.

Our guests today are: Lina Inverse, Gourry, Xellos, and Filia from Slayers. Ashura and Yasha from RG Veda. Yoko, Gara, Dark Schneider, and Arshes Nei from Bastard. Miaka, Suboshi, Yui, Hotorhori, Nuriko, and Tomahome from Fushigi Yuugi. Washu, Ryoko, Mihoshi, Kiyone, Ayeka, Sasami, and Tenchi from Tenchi Muyo.

:Whew: That was a mouthful, wasn't it? Well on with the show!

"And your here because?" The host asked adorable little Ashura.

"I killed all of my friends when I became the god of destruction."

"Okay..." Nearly everyone in the panel scooted about five feet away from Ashura.

"I didn't want to do it! Doesn't anybody believe that?" Ashura cried out in agonized grief. Everyone; except for Yasha, Washu, Suboshi, Xellos, Dark Schneider, and Sasami; all looked at Ashura in abject horror.

"I believe you," Sasami said in an attempt to comfort the wailing Ashura.

"Sasami! Get away from her!" Ayeka yelled to her sister.

"I believe it's a him," Ryoko commented to Ayeka.

"No, actually Ashura's an "it", in the true sense of the word. Neither male nor female," Washu corrected.

"You poor thing!" Sasami exclaimed.

"Sasami! Get away from... it! Please!" Ayeka begged.

"She won't hurt me."

"Sure, betcha that's what "it's" friends thought too. Look where it got them," Ryoko piped in.

"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Cried out Ashura, as 'it' spewed out fireballs, and other such spells of destruction. But, for some strange reason, they only flew for the short space of five feet.

"A self-containment field created by yours truly. It will keep Ashura's powers contained."

"You're a genius!" The host proclaimed.

"Yep! Darn tooting I am," Washu agreed.

"Well, she definitively doesn't have any self-esteem issues, that's for sure." Lina whispered to Gourry.

"You mean, like you do?"

"I don't have any issues."

"But what about your flat chest?"

"Gourry!" Lina warned fiercely.

"What's wrong with her chest?" Dark Schneider asked.

"Your kidding, right?" Gourry asked, looking at the man, dumbfounded. "Can't you tell?"

"Looks perfectly fine to me, and so does the rest of her."

Lina went all starry-eyed, and started drooling over Dark Schneider. "Finally! A man who appreciates true beauty!"

"Lina?"

"Back off whelp, or I'll vaporize you!" Dark Schneider threatened. "That, or I'll turn you into a toad."

"Hmmmm... How about a jellyfish?"

"Xellos! How dare you say that about Gourry!" Filia yelled at her favorite love-to-hate, and sometimes, hate-to-love, monster.

"Well, it's true. And besides, Lina looks so happy with Dark Schneider."

"Since when did you care about that!"

"Never. But believe me, this works well for the grand design the monster race has for her."

"What do you...? Just who is that silver-haired wizard?" Filia inquired, her body already steaming in rage.

"That's a secret."

"XELLOS!" Filia yelled, then started chasing after a fleeing Xellos.

"Hey wait! You two can't leave yet! We haven't gotten to your interviews yet!" The announcer yelled, desperately trying to be heard over the explosions caused by Filia's dragon breath.

"So, how about you and me spend sometime alone?"

Lina in a dreamy voice, "Sure."

"Lina? Hey Lina, where are you going!" Gourry asked, his mouth gaping open.

"Where I'm appreciated!"

"But, I appreciate you."

"You sure as hell never showed it."

"Well, you're a hard woman to open up to. I'd thought you'd fireball me, or something."

"Oh dear, this wasn't supposed to happen. They were supposed to work through their awkwardness, and come to terms with it. Not break up, and go there separate ways," The announcer sighed. She had really botched this episode up. She had recruited, accidentally of course, a "God of Destruction", a Golden Dragon, who's 'people' are at war with the Monster race. The same race, her potential soul mate belongs to. Now there is an amazingly powerful, dark wizard, trying to seduce bandit killer, Lina Inverse.

"Hmmmm... That gives me an idea. Okay! Audience, who do you think Lina should choose? The magnificent hunk of a wizard, Dark Schneider, or simpleton swordsman, Gourry?"

"'Simpleton?' Hey! I resent that!" Gourry pouted. Then whispered to Filia, who had briefly retired from trying to blast Xellos to kingdom come, at least for the rest of the show, "What does 'Simpleton' mean?"

"It means fool, you baka!" Dark Schneider exclaimed. "Lina, let me take you away from this... this... monkey-headed baboon. I can give you things undreamed of. Teach you spells of darkness that will lay waste to the most powerful of your enemies. I can lay the world at your feet. With me, you can be empress of the world!"

"Sure, along with all his other concubines," Gara muttered under his breath. "Geez, I hope she doesn't choose him. D.S. will probably kill me for it, but she deserves better."

"Gara, did you say something?"

"Nope, nada, nothing."

Dark Schneider gave him a gaze that would terrify most dragons. Indeed, it did scare Filia, who fainted.

"Filia, are you all right?" Gourry asked, tugging at her to try and awaken her.

"Here, maybe this will help," Xellos said, pouring a bucket of ice cold water on top of Filia.

"XELLOS! When I get my hands on you!" Filia exclaimed, starting to chase after him again. But when she saw Ayeka pouring tea, "Oh, my, can I have some, please?" Filia asked pleasantly, her emotions turning on a dime.

"Yes, you sure may. It so wonderful meeting someone with such a pleasant disposition," Ayeka praised, giving Filia a warm smile. "Unlike some people, who have the manners of a jackass," Ayeka commented, glaring over in Ryoko's direction.

"Oh well, I tried," Xellos smiled mischievously, a bit disappointed that Filia had stopped chasing him.

"You like causing trouble, don't you Xellos?" Lina asked, pointedly.

"It's what I exist for, but then you already knew that."

"True," Lina agreed. Then returned her focus to Gourry and Dark Schneider, for a brief moment, and started to wonder if there were any donuts left in the dressing room area. "Um... miss host... or whatever your name is?"

"Yes?"

"Can I get some more food up here, my stomach's growling."

The host keeled over.

"Here you go Lina," Gourry said, handing Lina a roast beef sandwich.

"Gourry! You're giving me your last bit of food!" Lina exclaimed in wonder.

"Not hardly, Lina. What do you take me for? Some kind of idiot? Um... on second thought, don't answer that. But, I grabbed a whole bunch earlier, just in case we got a case of the nibbles."

"Oh, Gourry. You know me so well!"

"I can get to know you very well. Very well, indeed," D. S. commented moving between her and Gourry. As he shed his clothes to emphasize his point.

"Um, Mr. Dark Schneider, remember this is a television show. Nudity is not encouraged. Well, at least not male nudity. Please, put your clothes back on," the host commented halfheartedly, barely above a whisper. Not really wanting him to put his clothes back on.

"Nobody gets between me and food, buster! And I mean, nobody!" Lina exclaimed, then started muttering the words to her trademark spell, ending with, "Dragon Slave!"

"Lina, don't you think you're overreacting!" Filia begged.

"C'mon guys, I created a special ultra-strong force field. It will hold up to anything thrown at it. Satisfaction guaranteed!" Washu proclaimed, as her field enveloped everyone but Lina and Dark Schneider.

After the effects of the spell had worn out... "Wow, can this be mass marketed?" Filia asked. "You'd make a fortune on our world."

"I'm not interested in monetary gain. The thrill of creation is all I love. Though, praise is nice, too. Very nice, in fact," Washu stated, looking at the rest of the group expectantly.

"He doesn't have a single mark on him," Gourry commented simply, somewhat horrified.

"Who is that guy? He took a full force Dragon Slave, and shrugged it off like it was nothing!" Filia whispered.

"I know!" Xellos piped in enthusiastically.

"But you won't tell us, will you?" Filia asked.

"Nope, as I said before, that's a secret."

"You're impossible!"

"Yep!" Xellos smirked wickedly.

"Sandwich, sandwich, sandwich! Where is it? I need food!" Lina muttered to herself, frantically looking for Gourry and the sumptuous roast beef.

"Over here, Lina!" Gourry called out.

"Oh, thank you," Lina managed to get out before stuffing the sandwich into her mouth.

* * *

"Let me get this straight. Practically, all the girls living with that kid, are in love with him?"

"Yep," Mihoshi stated.

"But none of you find me the least bit attractive?"

"Not really, no," a bored Ryoko commented.

"Plus, you're a bad guy," Mihoshi added.

"So?"

"So, we don't like people blowing up our surroundings," Ryoko commented, glaring at Dark Schneider.

"Yeah!" Ayeka agreed.

"That was..." Dark Schneider started, with the intention of correcting her.

"And you were trying to steal someone else's girl," Ryoko interrupted, still giving D.S. a very harsh glare.

_It would be nice if they would extend me the same courtesy_, Tenchi moaned to himself.

"Ah, they're all baka!" Dark Schneider exclaimed, throwing his arms up into the air, and started to stomp back over to where his group was huddled. But on the way, he found himself a bit distracted.

"Of all the nerve of that guy. Going around naked like that! What a pervert!" Ryoko said, shaking her head in disgust.

Tenchi groaned inwardly over Ryoko's hypocrisy over the 'naked' issue.

"Yes, I'm just glad Sasami went off with that Ashura creature earlier. So she didn't have to be subjected to him."

"Yes, that was a good thing. Hopefully, Washu and Sasami will be able to help him... her... urm... it," Tenchi agreed.

* * *

"Say sexy, how about you and me having a little bit of fun together?" Dark Schneider propositioned to a pretty, purple haired 'woman'. Having given up on ever bedding Ryoko, Ayeka, Mihoshi, and Lina.

"I'm a guy."

"You're kidding!"

"No, really. See?" Nuriko opened his shirt to reveal his flat chest.

"And you don't find me attractive either?"

"Sorry, no. My heart's spoken for." For whom he speaks of, will be left up to the readers imagination.

"Baka! Baka! Baka!" Dark Schneider muttered under his breath as he headed towards the 'Bastard' guest seating area. "Well, I'm back. Miss me?"

"Oh, you were gone?" Yoko responded coldly.

"Okay. So far I've hit on a bunch of lunatic women, who find some snot-nose kid more attractive than me."

"What were they thinking!" Yoko sarcastically retorted.

"As well as a guy, who looks like a woman."

"Ah, well. You can't win 'em all, Dark Schneider," Gara said in an attempt to console him. An attempt that only seemed to fuel D.S.'s anger.

"And then there is that Lina Inverse. A woman I could really have had something with, on the side that is, don't want to keep my legions waiting, you know."

"No, of course not," Arshes commented, bitterly.

"But of course, she dumps me for that blonde surfer dude who's passing himself off as a swordsman."

"Didn't she come with him, to begin with?" Gara asked.

"That's beside the point."

"LUCHE!"

"Yes, Yoko?"

"I'm getting really fed up with all your talk about other women, or guys in some cases, and would greatly prefer if you would zip it! Or else!"

"Or else, what?"

"I'll never speak to you again as long as I live."

"Geez, Yoko! That's harsh!" D.S. whined.

"I'm torn, part of me finds this funny, another part finds it sad to see the great wizard brought low by a little girl."

"GARA!"

"Sorry Yoko!" Gara apologized. Then sighed to himself, _Man, she has me ass-whupped too! Damn!_

Announcer: "Thank you all for watching, please tune in tomorrow for another episode of "Talk to Me."

"Hey! What about us? We didn't get any airtime!" Miaka complained.

"Be glad, be very glad. I am. Let's get out of here before it's too late," Yui stated as she grabbed Miaka arm, and started hauling her away. "C'mon guys! It's time to get out of here, while the goings good."

**Disclaimer: **_I don't own any of these characters. They belong to whoever created them, whoever that may be. This little fan fiction is meant as pure harmless fun, and as such, no profit is being made from it._


End file.
